I think I may have let my generous nature get the better of me, once again. I’m trying to be proactive instead of reactive for this tour (and in general). It’s working within the confines of the van and most of the time around the shows. But dealing with stressful/depressing situations at home… It’s tough.
I try to avoid excessive venting amongst the band for multiple reasons. The first being that we already have enough on our plates without everyone’s personal responsibilities getting in our heads. It’s a common courtesy to my band mates. Touring with two other people is essentially the same as being in a relationship or living with them (without the perks of cuddling or what have you). It’s a balancing act of what’s appropriate to say and what isn’t. They are, for all intents and purposes, coworkers which means they’re slightly less than friends but slightly more than acquaintances.
Traveling as much as we do is a tough prospect for most people to understand. Tour is truly the relationship killer. Be it romantic or platonic relationships, inevitably the job weeds out who is genuinely intertwined in your life, for better or worse. The hardest part of this process is that you learn which is which at a great distance. You see your friends and girlfriend’s (or boyfriend’s) highlight reel on line and want to be there so badly. Even though they are most likely experiencing similar ebbs and flows in their days, as we all do, you only see the best parts from a far. I almost miss the time before iPhones and Instagram. It was more romantic in the sense that you had use your imagination to remember special moments or have physical pictures in your wallet or taped in your journal. It was truly like the days of reading before television became the great distractor.
Without a companion that’s always available whether that’s a significant other, a sibling or just close personal friend. The hardest part of all, for me especially, is to not internalize every problem. I am and have always been an over thinker. My mind is always at work until I fall asleep from pure exhaustion or I find some media that’s captivating enough to make me forget everything for a little while. I’m always trying to get better at managing these things, but from time to time the constant stream of consciousness is daunting. That coupled with being road weary and alone can be an uphill battle in which I’m not always equipped to confront.
I’m a little tired. I’m a little lonely. I’m a little stressed. I’m longing for home. When I get home I’ll most likely wish I were on the road after a few days. The balance of both desires is deceiving. It’s not all bad. Today’s just a little bleaker than yesterday. Tomorrow will be better.